💡 How I First Learned About PDA 

We were still in the early stages of our daughter’s autism diagnosis when I first came across something called PDA. At that point, we knew she was neurodivergent 🧠 but something about the usual descriptions of autism weren’t capturing the full picture especially when it came to her intense emotions, her need for control, and her complete resistance to being told what to do (even gently). 

One day, scrolling on Instagram, I came across a post from a parent talking about Pathological Demand Avoidance. They described how their child often communicated through role play 🎭, sometimes staying in character for days or weeks, and how demands, even simple ones, would cause massive distress. It was like someone had written a post about my child. That was the beginning of everything making sense. 

At the time, our daughter was in a long-term “kitty phase” 🐱. She wasn’t just pretending to be a cat she was a cat. For nearly a year, on and off, she would eat, speak, and behave like a kitty. It was how she processed the world, avoided pressure, and found safety. 

Since then, we’ve had to completely shift how we parent and communicate. Learning about the PDA profile meant learning to throw out most of the standard parenting advice. We had to move away from rewards, consequences, and even well-meant encouragement and instead learn how to support her nervous system by using declarative language, giving her agency, and building trust through connection. We also engaged a psychologist with expertise in PDA, who created a sense of safety and trust that allowed our daughter to remain regulated and open to learning. 

And honestly? This way of communicating doesn’t just help her it’s better for everyone. Even her teacher has noticed the difference, saying, “Using whole-class language has really helped everyone, not just her.” Speaking in a calmer, more respectful, less demanding way helps reduce stress and conflict for the whole family 🏡. It fosters collaboration instead of control. It’s not just a strategy for autism it’s a healthier, more human way to relate. 

 

🧩 Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) in Autism 

When most people think of autism, they often picture traits like social challenges, sensory sensitivities, or restricted interests. But there’s a lesser-known profile that can dramatically impact how autism presents, particularly in girls and non-binary individuals: Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), also known as Pervasive Demand for Autonomy. 

PDA isn’t a separate diagnosis it’s a profile within the autism spectrum. And because it looks so different from the ‘classic’ traits of autism, many individuals with PDA don’t get recognised or diagnosed for years sometimes not until adulthood. 

❓ What Is PDA? 

PDA is characterised by an intense need to avoid everyday demands and expectations, even those the person places on themselves. But this avoidance isn’t about being ‘defiant’ or ‘oppositional’. It’s a nervous system response a survival instinct when the person feels out of control, anxious, or overwhelmed. 

In people with PDA, demands can trigger a threat response 😨, like fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. And this response can show up in surprising ways. 

👶 What PDA Can Look Like at Different Ages 

In Children: 

  • Meltdowns or shutdowns after seemingly simple requests (“Please put your shoes on”) 
  • Extreme resistance to routines or transitions 
  • Using social strategies to avoid demands (distraction, excuses, humour) 
  • Appearing highly controlling during play or group activities 
  • Using roleplay to communicate when feeling overwhelmed 
  • Seeming confident or sociable but having major emotional outbursts at home 

📝 Children with PDA are often mislabelled as “strong-willed,” “manipulative,” or “attention-seeking.” 

In Teens: 

  • Avoidance becomes more internalised (refusing school, staying in bed, gaming for hours 🎮) 
  • Risk-taking or explosive behaviour when overwhelmed 
  • Struggles with authority or expectations (from teachers, parents, even themselves) 
  • Identity confusion and masking trying to appear “normal” while feeling out of control 
  • Withdrawal, burnout, or shutdowns 

Teens with PDA might be misunderstood as having ODD, anxiety, or depression while the root autism remains hidden. 

In Adults: 

  • Difficulty keeping jobs or managing relationships due to overwhelm with expectations 
  • Executive dysfunction masked as “laziness” or burnout 💼 
  • Avoiding calls, emails, paying bills, opening mail, attending appointments, even ones they want to do 
  • Needing lots of autonomy and struggling in rigid systems 
  • Complex trauma from years of being misunderstood or unsupported 

🧠 Many adults with PDA have gone through life thinking they were “lazy,” “bad at adulting,” or “just anxious,” until they discover the autistic-PDA profile and everything finally makes sense. 

🕵️‍♀️ Why PDA Causes Delays in Autism Diagnosis 

  • It Doesn’t Fit the Stereotype: People with PDA may appear outgoing, talkative, or have imaginative traits that don’t fit the outdated model of what autism “looks like.” 
  • Social Masking: Many PDAers become skilled at hiding their struggles in public, leading professionals to underestimate their needs. 
  • Misdiagnosis: Children are often diagnosed with anxiety, attachment disorders, ADHD, or behavioural issues first while autism goes unnoticed. 
  • Gender Bias: PDA is often more visible in girls, nonbinary people, and those socialised to people-please, where autism traits are already under-recognised. 
  • Lack of Awareness Among Professionals: PDA isn’t officially recognised in diagnostic manuals like the DSM-5, so many clinicians are unfamiliar with it or don’t know how to assess it. 

📘 However, this is slowly changing. In March 2024, Autism CRC released the 2023 National Guideline for the Assessment and Diagnosis of Autism in Australia, formally acknowledging PDA as a set of characteristics that can co‑occur with autism. While it doesn’t appear in the DSM-5, many Australian professionals now use terms like “ASD with a PDA profile” in assessments and support plans, helping families access more tailored understanding and care. 

🤝 How to Support Someone with PDA 

Whether they’re 5 or 55, people with PDA need autonomy, trust, and flexibility. Here are a few key strategies: 

  • Low-demand parenting Supporting a PDA profile often means redefining what “normal” looks like. This might include adjusting expectations, creating more flexible routines, and allowing more recovery time throughout the day. It’s about supporting the nervous system, not pushing through meltdowns. Sometimes, it means asking: Does this really need to happen right now? 
  • Use declarative language 🗣️  Rather than giving instructions, make observations or share your thoughts. For example, “I’m thinking we’ll need shoes soon if we’re heading out.” This reduces pressure and helps the person feel more in control. 
  • Collaborate, don’t command  Turn requests into choices. Try “How would you like to start getting your space sorted, would music help?” 
  • Friendly Flexible 🤗  We recently learned this tool and it helps you maintain boundaries while still offering support. For example: “I can see you’re having a hard time putting your shoes on, so I can be friendly flexible today and give you a hand.” 
  • Respect the nervous system  If a demand causes panic or shutdown, it’s not about refusal it’s about threat perception. Honour that and reduce pressure where possible. Pause, validate, reconnect. 
  • Be curious  Ask gentle questions like, “What made that hard today?” to open up understanding rather than resistance. 
  • Work with PDA-aware professionals  Choose therapists and educators who understand PDA and use approaches based on connection, not compliance. 

🌱 Final Thoughts 

PDA is not a behavioural choice, it’s a nervous system response to perceived threat, often driven by sensory overwhelm, emotional overload, and a deep need for control in a chaotic world. 

By learning to recognise PDA and understand how it shows up across the lifespan, we can support more autistic people in receiving timely, compassionate, and effective care and finally help them feel seen for who they truly are. 💛 

By Kylie Gardner 

The A List 

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