The “5 Love Languages” are everywhere 💕 in books, reels, couples therapy, and relationship advice.

And honestly? They can be really helpful 💛

But if you’re neurodivergent (or you love someone who is), you might have noticed something:

💭 “I know they love me… but why doesn’t it feel like it?”
💭 “I’m trying so hard… why does it keep missing?”
💭 “Why does this relationship stuff feel harder for us?”

That’s because love languages don’t always show up the way the internet says they should 💌 especially when ADHD, autism, PDA, anxiety, sensory needs, burnout, or executive dysfunction are part of the picture.

Let’s break down the 5 love languages 💕, how they can look different for neurodivergent people, and how to show up in ways that actually land 🫶

First: A Gentle Reminder 💛

Neurodivergent people often love deeply ❤️, but show it differently.

Sometimes love is:

• remembering your safe food 🍽️

• sitting quietly in the same room 🛋️

• sending you 12 memes instead of saying “I miss you” 😂

• fixing something for you rather than giving a hug 🔧

• needing alone time to be able to be loving later 🌙

Love isn’t always loud 💗
And it’s definitely not always tidy ✨

How to Show Up for Neurodivergent People (Using the 5 Love Languages) 💕

1) Words of Affirmation 💬💕

The classic version:

Compliments, reassurance, “I love you,” encouragement.

How it may look for neurodivergent people:

Neurodivergent brains often struggle with:

• finding the right words in the moment

• emotional shutdown during conflict

• feeling overwhelmed by “too much talking”

• rejection sensitivity (RSD) needing extra reassurance

Sometimes words don’t come easily especially under stress 💛

How we need you to show up 🫶

💛 Use reassurance that is specific (not vague)
Neurodivergent people often don’t absorb general praise like “you’re fine” or “you’re doing great.” Specific words feel safer and more believable.
Example: “I noticed you pushed through even though you were overwhelmed  that mattered.” ❤️

💛 Repair quickly after misunderstandings
Because many neurodivergent people can experience rejection sensitivity (RSD), even small changes in tone can feel like disapproval. A quick check-in can prevent spirals.
Example: “Just to be clear I’m not mad at you. I’m just tired.”

💛 Use gentle reminders without shame
Instead of pointing out what wasn’t done, focus on support and teamwork.
Example: “Hey love, do you want a reminder now, or should I message you again later?” 🥰

💛 Validate effort, not just outcomes
A lot of “basic” tasks can take huge mental energy. Affirming the effort builds confidence and connection.
Example: “I know that took a lot out of you thank you for doing it.”

💛 Say the loving thing out loud (even if it feels awkward)
Many neurodivergent people need the words to feel secure love can’t always be assumed.
Example: “I love you. I’m not going anywhere.” 🫶

2) Quality Time 🕰️💞

The classic version:

Date nights, long chats, focused attention.

How it may look different:

For neurodivergent people, “quality time” often needs to be:

• low pressure 😌

• sensory-safe 🌿

• predictable (or intentionally spontaneous for ADHD brains!) ✨

• parallel rather than face-to-face

Some people connect best when they’re doing something side-by-side rather than sitting and talking 💛

What helps:

✅ Special-interest time
If your partner is autistic, their special interest may be where they feel most alive ✨

One of the deepest ways to love them is to get curious, not dismissive

Examples:

• “Tell me more about that!” 🥹

• “Can you show me your favourite part?”

• “Want to plan a date around it?”

3) Acts of Service 🧺💛

The classic version:

Helping with chores, doing tasks, making life easier.

How it may look different:

Neurodivergent people often experience:

• executive dysfunction

• task paralysis

• burnout

• demand avoidance

• sensory overwhelm

So “helping” doesn’t always mean doing more 💛

Sometimes love is doing things in a way that reduces pressure 🫶

What helps:

✅ Celebrate small wins 🎉
What looks “basic” to others can be huge.

Things like:

• making a phone call

• putting dishes in the sink

• having a shower

• replying to a message

• starting a task

…might take enormous effort.

If your partner does something that took courage celebrate it 💛
Not in a patronising way. In a real way ❤️

💛 “I know that took a lot. I see you.” 🫶

✅ Body doubling 🫶
Body doubling isn’t just a productivity tool it can be a love language.

Sitting with your partner while they:

• fold laundry

• start a task

• reply to emails

• cook dinner

• clean their space

…can feel incredibly supportive and intimate 💛

4) Physical Touch 🤍💞

The classic version:

Hugs, kisses, cuddling, affection.

How it may look different:

For neurodivergent people, touch can be complicated.

Some may love deep pressure but hate light touch.
Some may feel overstimulated after a long day.
Some may need touch on their terms 💛

Touch can also feel like demand especially for PDA profiles.

What helps:

✅ Consent and clarity 💛

• “Do you want a hug or space?”

• “Can I hold your hand?”

• “Do you want deep pressure or no touch right now?”

✅ Alternative touch 🫶

• sitting close but not touching

• feet touching under a blanket

• leaning shoulders while watching TV

• weighted blanket snuggles

5) Receiving Gifts 🎁💕

The classic version:

Thoughtful presents, surprises, tokens of love.

How it may look different:

For neurodivergent people, gifts often land best when they’re:

• practical

• sensory-friendly

• related to their special interest

• solving a small problem in their day

And for ADHD brains, novelty is powerful ✨

What helps:

✅ Gifts that reduce friction 💛

• a duplicate charger

• noise-cancelling headphones

• a water bottle they actually like

• a fidget

• their safe snack

• a new notebook

• a tool for their hobby

✅ Spontaneous activities (especially for ADHD partners) ✨💘
If your partner has ADHD, one of the most loving things you can do is:

✨ organise a spontaneous activity around something they love ✨

Because ADHD brains thrive on:

• novelty

• dopamine

• excitement

• shared fun

Examples:

• “I booked us a last-minute escape room!” 💕

• “Let’s go to that new café right now.” ☕✨

• “Surprise I planned a mini adventure.” 🥰

The Most Important Part: Love Languages Aren’t Just Preferences  They’re Access Needs 💛🫶

This is where neurodivergent relationships often shift.

Because sometimes it’s not:
“I prefer words of affirmation.”

It’s:
“I need reassurance or my nervous system spirals.” 💛

Sometimes it’s not:
“I like quality time.”

It’s:
“I need low-demand connection or I shut down.” 🫶

Sometimes it’s not:
“I want acts of service.”

It’s:
“I need support with executive functioning or I drown.” ❤️

And when you view it through that lens, love becomes less about performing and more about understanding 💕

Final Thought: The Goal Isn’t Perfect Love – It’s Felt Love 💕💌

The best relationships aren’t the ones where people never forget things, never get overwhelmed, or always say the perfect thing.

They’re the ones where people feel safe 💛

Seen 🫶

And loved in a way that makes sense to their nervous system ❤️

Whether it’s a partner, a friend, a child, a parent, a sibling, or someone you support, love isn’t just what you intend. It’s what the other person can actually feel 💞

And when we learn to recognise different ways of giving and receiving love (especially through a neurodivergent lens), connection becomes less about “doing it right”…

…and more about understanding, flexibility, and care ✨

By Kylie Gardner

The A List 💛