Surviving the Festive Season

Madeleine and Bec are AuDHD and sat down to talk about surviving the festive season. Below is a transcript of their conversation. You can listen to the full podcast by clicking here.

Bec:
Yes—oh, well, congrats! I hope it makes this year a bit more enjoyable for you, because it can feel like you’re just trying to survive it. If you don’t know yourself, and you don’t know what strategies might help, it’s really hard. I can definitely relate to many years of not knowing I was neurodivergent. When you do know, you can be more patient with yourself. Too much socialising is definitely not going to be great, so I think it’ll be interesting to see how this Christmas looks different for you.

Madeleine:
I can’t tell what it’s going to be like, but what I can tell you is that I’ve stopped forcing myself to do things that are extremely challenging and don’t work.

Bec:
Yeah—and that’s one of the most powerful things about diagnosis and knowing who you are. It allows you to be gentler and support yourself better, instead of forcing things because you feel like you should, or because expectations are there. Being able to say, “Actually, this isn’t right for me, and I want to enjoy my Christmas.”

Madeleine:
I thought it would be good to talk about some of those things that can help. In the neurodivergent world, a lot of people are posting about strategies at the moment—things that make a difference, either for people who are just figuring this out or for those supporting others. What are some of the things you would say about the festive season that can really help?

Bec:
A lot of my struggles with Christmas are quite multilayered. Some are unique to my situation, as I don’t have my own family here. I’m often spending Christmas with my partner’s family or with other people’s families, all of whom do Christmas differently.

For me, one of the first things is that Christmas in Australia is hot. Even after eight years, my brain still goes, “This is not Christmas.”

One of my biggest challenges is food. I find it very difficult being in situations where people have spent a lot of time, money, effort, and love cooking beautiful meals—and I can’t eat any of it. I end up sitting in the corner with a bread roll, feeling guilty, because people want to feed you and you have to keep saying, “Oh, sorry, no thank you.”

Having safe foods available is really important. If I don’t have safe food, I won’t eat—and there is nothing worse than a hungry Bec. If you’re hungry, you’re far more likely to get overwhelmed very quickly.

Madeleine:
I have particular food preferences—like not mixing foods and keeping things separate—but I don’t have strong sensory sensitivities. What I do have are very rigid ways of eating, and managing other people’s reactions to that is hard.

People say things like, “I feel bad that you’re not eating something nice,” and I’m like, “It is nice to me.” Or, “You can’t eat with the rest of us,” and I’m literally sitting at the table eating with everyone.

Bec:
Another big element is the social side of eating together. I find it incredibly difficult. I don’t like eating in front of people. Often I’ll go out for drinks and then go home to eat privately. Social eating is genuinely difficult, and I don’t enjoy it.

Madeleine:
And then there’s the other stuff—which is also about love—like presents, hugging, kissing, and physical touch.

Bec:
I love giving and receiving presents, but receiving a gift comes with pressure. How do you react “correctly”? What if your facial expression isn’t right? You don’t want to offend anyone.

Giving gifts can be tricky too—figuring out what to give, how much to spend. There are so many unspoken rules. Gifts are wonderful, but there’s a lot of social nuance attached.

Madeleine:
I was even watching myself on Zoom with my Christmas bauble headband and thinking—people might assume I’m extroverted or super social. But for me, that kind of thing is masking. It’s showing I’m involved. It’s part of survival.

Bec:
Another thing I’ve encountered since moving to Australia is Christmas games. Secret Santa isn’t too bad. But Stealing Santa? Terrifying. The anxiety that game gives me is unreal.

Madeleine:
I hate competitiveness, and it felt very competitive to me.

Bec:
That’s common for autistic people. A lot of it is about not wanting to hurt feelings and worrying about future social consequences.

Madeleine:
So what would actually make the festive season better?

Bec:
Genuine choice around participation. Normalising opting out would help a lot.

Safe foods are crucial. Chicken nuggets, chips, cheese, pizza—the classics. Allowing headphones at the table would also help, because there’s so much noise.

Madeleine:
For me, it’s the freedom to leave the room and take a breather without being judged.

Bec:
I usually hide in the bathroom because you can lock the door. Five minutes, then I can come back re-energised.

Madeleine:
If you want to know something, just ask me. We don’t need to walk on eggshells.

Bec:
Reflect on why something is important and who it’s really for. Flexibility makes it better for everyone.

Madeleine:
Our final message is our tagline: “Be social your way.” Take the pressure off and allow people to be.

Bec:
And rest. Slow down. Read a book. Do something that feels good.

Madeleine:
I hope you get all of that—eat as many cheese pizzas and chicken nuggets as you like, nobody steals your Santa, and you get plenty of rest.