WELCOME TO OUR ‘NO APOLOGY ZONE’

It is not unusual for parents to start over-apologising for our autistic children and certainly in the beginning of my personal journey I did that too.  At a recent A List Social Hub we welcomed a young man who was keen to connect and hang out. Our usual weekly routine is for parents to bring their child to the group and then retreat to a quiet space, where they can connect with other parents going through a similar situation.

On this occasion, I could see Mum was a little anxious about how her child would join in and began apologising for her son.  “Stop that, I am so sorry.”  “You have to share that, I am so sorry.”  “Don’t go there, I am so sorry.”

Immediately our A List team reassured her that the Social Hub is a place unlike anything else, a place where Autistic youth and teenagers can be themselves – no masking, no pretending, no trying to fit in.

The relief on Mum’s face has stayed with me. I’m grateful we can provide a safe space for social connections to develop among our Autistic youth, but I’m saddened that the automatic response of many parents we engage with is to apologise for the behaviour of their child.

The definition of an apology in the Oxford Dictionary is ‘a regretful acknowledgement of an offence or failure’. Or as we know it, an apology means we have done something wrong and comes with a caveat that this ‘mistake’ can be fixed and ideally, learnt from.

The habitual pattern of parents over-apologising for the behaviours of their Autistic child is something I can personally relate to, I have an Autistic child and recently I was diagnosed as Autistic.

I have seen first-hand the knee-jerk reaction of parents saying sorry when their child makes uncommon noises, is hyperactive or chooses not to participate in a conversation. Or when their child tries to make friends in ways that are a little different, because they simply don’t know or want to adhere to the socially accepted protocols.

But our kids are not intentionally acting out, trying to hurt others or cause offence. We live in a neurotypical world and all of us conform to certain behaviours and protocols because we have learnt we have to.  What if autistic people could be themselves rather than trying to ‘make up for mistakes’ or ‘learn how to fit in?’

When we apologise for this behaviour, are we actually apologising for our child’s autism?

Consequences of over-apologising

When an apology is warranted, I am all for our children being encouraged to say sorry. Physical harm or directed emotional abuse are situations when an apology is required and a teachable moment is possible.

However, we don’t need to apologise for the Autistic-driven behaviours or expressions that are unique to our child because they make others feel uncomfortable.

Some mental health professionals believe over-apologising can result in negative consequences including shame around one’s identity, resentment towards others and difficulty standing up for oneself.

Role-modelling apologies

When our children witness us apologising for behaviours that are part of their Autistic identity, it may send a signal that there is something wrong with how they are being.

Research tells us Autistic teens and adults commonly suffer from anxiety and depression, so when parents role model apologetic behaviour for their child’s Autistic traits, this may impact an already low or fragile self-esteem.

Approval seeking

Because many Autistic youth struggle with social cues and understanding whether people are pleased, comfortable or unhappy, apologies can become a form of gaining approval or sense checking a social situation. Many neuro-diverse teens become anxious and confused in neuro-typical social situations, particularly in larger groups, as sub-text and ‘reading between the lines’ is often entrenched in their style of communication.

By apologising, we get reassurance that all is OK but on the flip side, it sends a signal that we are taking on blame or responsibility for a negative situation, when that responsibility is not the Autistic person’s to take. Apologising can also become a way of ‘securing’ friendships and demonstrating an intention to not cause offence, again, taking on the burden to create a successful interaction.

Vulnerability

If others witness over-apologising for our autistic children, we are potentially making ourselves and our child more vulnerable about our non-conventional traits. By over-apologising, we are confirming autistic qualities and mannerisms as something to be sorry for, making it acceptable for others to feel put out or offended by our genuine challenges to fit into a neuro-typical world.

It can also lead to a cycle of apologies and explanations about why a child is behaving in a certain way, when we are not ready to engage in that discussion.

Autism-friendly social situations

We live in a society where interactions with neuro-typical people occur daily and it’s difficult to separate from this. We all need to visit a doctor, dentist, therapist, supermarket, travel by bus or train or attend an education facility or work.

But there is immense value in Autistic people ‘taking a break’ from the pressures involved in living in a neuro-typical world.

We know our Social Hub participants relish their weekly catch-ups and the ability to be their authentic selves. The freedom and joy that comes with no pressure to mask can top up their often-depleted tank and the self-esteem that comes from successfully being able to communicate in an authentic way is immeasurable.

There’s only one rule at The A List Social Hubs – be social your way, no apologies allowed for being your wonderful self!

Question for readers:

Rather than apologising, how do you handle uncomfortable social situations?

By Madeleine Jaine-Lobsey

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