Growing up with undiagnosed autism, I was always the different kid.
We were told to embrace individuality.
Be who you are on the inside.
Be yourself—only to an extent we find socially acceptable.
Because when I am myself,
I’m too weird.
I’m annoying.
I’m sensitive.
I’m different.
So I’ll change my entire personality to fit your standard.
I’m too weird? So I’ll act like everyone else.
But then I’m called a copycat.
I’m too annoying? Then I’ll shut up and not talk to anyone.
But that makes me a bigger target.
I’m sensitive? Then I’ll try to keep up with your jokes and ignore my feelings, but I’ll take the joke too far, and it was never that deep.
I’m different? No matter what I try, I can never be normal enough.
Because I’m not normal.
Embrace your differences—
But only the differences we accept.
The adults in my life promoted individuality.
But I was always the exception.
Being myself led to me getting in trouble.
Led me to getting bullied.
Led me to being blamed for my own bullying.
I wouldn’t be getting bullied if I just acted normal.
But I don’t want to be normal.
I’m not normal.
I am disabled.
In a chaotic, ever-changing world with no sense of normality, how am I the outlier?
Why am I not normal?
Is something wrong with me?
This constant reminder that I was an alien led me to grow up with an extreme perfectionist attitude toward everything in my life.
If I was perfect at everything I did.
If I always won.
If I was always correct.
People would finally like me.
People would want to be my friend.
People would think I’m normal.
But now I’m a teacher’s pet.
Now I’m even more annoying.
Now I live my life through a lens of toxic perfectionist values that have led to my own downfall.
Because you couldn’t expand your view of differences.
Because the people in my life punished me for being different.
Because I am autistic.
This Autism Awareness Day, I will use my voice to tell the story of the little girl who grew up to hate herself.
To hate her differences.
To hate her autism.
In a world so different every day,
Together, we can make change.
Together.
The little girls who talk too much.
The little girls who are bossy.
The little girls who can’t pay attention.
And the little girls who are different.
Will love themselves and others.
Will be supported through this world.
Will grow into amazing adults, ready to take on the world.
— Veronika
A List Ambassador
